Foolish Thoughts

“THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT THE FUTURE: It doesn’t have to look any particular way, but around here, if it doesn’t, a lot of people will never speak to you again.”  Storypeople.com

“When she held out her arms, the world itself wrapped around me & held me tight.”  www.storypeople.com

Have you ever been swallowed by a hug?  Been completely consumed in someone’s arms?   Had your day turned around by one embrace?  Had your world stand still by one squeeze?  I have.  It’s one of my most favorite things in the world.  Actually, it’s my favorite.

Normally, I’m not an affectionate person.  I’ve always been that way.  I hate using the word always, but in this case it’s true.  Everyone says so.   I tend to keep people at a distance, at least an arms length away, until it comes to the devouring hug.  A hug that you get lost in.  A hug that lasts longer than 15 seconds.  A hug that you don’t want to let go of.  A hug that in an instant can turn an atrocious day into a pleasurable one.  These are hard to find, but when you do, you cling to it.  You don’t want it to end.  It’s implausible to believe that something so small, so minute, so trivial could be so significant and substantial to your happiness and well being.  It’s a hug, nothing more than an embrace.  But when it’s done the right way, by the right person, at the right time, it’s magnetic, soothing and uplifting.

This type of hug can only be given by certain people, Skilled Hug Connoisseurs; at least that’s what I call them.  Rarely are they aware they possess these hugging talents.  But once you are hugged by one of them you immediately know. 
The last time I was lucky enough to receive one of these hugs was a couple of months ago.  I was in NY and had the opportunity of meeting and listening to an incredible writer who I’m fanatical about and who I learned is an exceptional Skilled Hug Connoisseur.  We met for tea and a tarot reading before her book reading.  We had never met before, only exchanged emails.  But upon meeting she greeted me with the biggest, warmest, affectionate hug.  Her arms swallowed me whole.  I wanted to bottle it up and keep it forever. I wanted to live in that hug.  Throughout the evening I discovered her personality, character and spirit to be just as big and warm and affectionate.  Her laugh alone was intoxicating and contagious.  She is someone who you enjoy being around.  You are blessed just by being in the same room with.  She has such a positive, exhilarating, hilarious disposition that you can’t help but adore her.  She’s real.  She embraces her flaws along with her strengths and talents.  She doesn’t seem to be afraid to be vulnerable.  I admire her.  I would like to share a fragment of her qualities and character.  And I would be overjoyed to have her amazing hug capabilities.  I would hug myself everyday, all day and then at night I would share my hugging skills with those in need of a good squeeze.  After all, a hug can turn your day around.         

“She asked me when the season of joy was supposed to end & I said I didn’t really think there was an exact date, so we left the tree up till June that year.”  storypeople.com

My mother still has her Christmas decorations up, sans the tree, of course.  But the countless angels, snowmen, rugs, sheets, comforters, and pillows are all out, proclaiming it’s still the joyous holiday season.  I’m thinking I should be concerned.

“I was never good at hide & seek because I’d always make enough noise so my friends would be sure to find me. I don’t have anyone to play those games with any more, but now & then I make enough noise just in case someone is still looking & hasn’t found me yet.”  story people.com

As a child, I never wanted to hide by myself; afraid no one would come and find me.  This fear stems from playing with my older sister, Stacy Leigh.  Who would send my younger sister, Tara and I to hide.  But after going to count, she would “forget” to come find us.  We would hide for what seemed like hours, emerging to find her on the couch watching T.V.  I would then demand, “What happened?”  She would laugh and reply, “Oops, I guess I forgot.” 

Though, there were times where finding us was not the problem.  I remember one particular game of Hide & Seek, crawling up on the counter in a corner behind a stack of clothes in the laundry room.  I wanted Tara to hide with me, but there wasn’t room.  So, I convinced her to hide inside the dryer.  We had been hiding for only minutes, when out of no where she starts screaming and crying and banging on the door.  I guess she panicked, curled up in the dark with the door shut (I had shut it against her will, insisting “I have to!”).  Though, I didn’t dare move.  I was hiding and in a good place.  Our mother heard her shrilling screams and came running.  My only defense was, “What?  I didn’t turn it on!”  Least to say, we were not allowed to play Hide & Seek for a while after that.  And not before many rules and guidelines were established.
    
As a child, Hide & Seek was just a game.  Where if not found, I could come out and demand my seeker to find me. Now, as an adult, love and relationships have become my game of Hide & Seek.  What I feared as a child, I’ve grown accustomed to as an adult.  I don’t mind hiding alone.  I’ve made that little corner in the laundry room home, content if no one finds me.  But lately, I’ve panicked a little.  I’ve wanted to scream out, “I’M HERE!  I’M RIGHT HERE!”  But I’m afraid no one is looking. 

“This used to be a mean monster until he got sick one winter with the flu & stayed in bed & watched too much Little House on the Prairie & now the littlest thing & he starts to cry.”  story people.com

This made me sad at first.  Then it made me laugh.  Granted, he was a mean monster, but now he’s sad and cries all the time.  It’s kind of pathetic.   I’m just glad it never happened to me.  My mom used to say that I had mean tendencies as a child.  And I know for a fact, when I was sick/faking and stayed home from school, I would watch Little House on the Prairie.  Thank God watching Half Pint and her lisp never resulted in manic crying, not even when Mary went blind.  Wow, I really am mean.

It’s a miracle both my mother and I survived my teenage years.  I have a feeling karmas going to be a bitch. 

“Tied together by stuff too difficult to explain to someone new.”  storypeople.com

I’ve been there.  In a relationship that isn’t working but you stay together because it’s easier than breaking up and starting over.  You rationalize with yourself that this person knows everything and it would be too difficult and complicated explaining to someone new.  They do, they know you.  They know your favorite song is Wild Horses by the Rolling Stones and they find you softly mumbling the lyrics to Can’t Take My Eye’s Off of You, because that’s what your mom used to sing to you.  They know you prefer to watch movies at home with the commentary on and it’s rare that you make it through without falling asleep.  They know you prefer wine to beer and you’ll never turn down a shot of tequila.  They know when you are mad or upset that it’s best to leave you alone, you don’t want to talk about it.  They know you like your coffee with a splash of hot chocolate first thing in the morning.  They know, no matter which side of the bed you start on you will eventually end up in the middle, on your stomach, one arm tucked under, the other above your head.  They know you love to have your back rubbed as you fall asleep.  They know your favorite book is Charlotte’s Web, but you hate the movie.  They know you love to look at other families’ photos and how you like to drive at night glimpsing into strangers windows just to see what they’re doing.  They know you hate to have your ears touched and you hate the sound and feel of cotton balls.  They know you love to take naps on the couch in the middle of the day.  They know you can’t sleep with your feet covered.  They know your extended family and how at times, they are crazy and loud and how much you are like them no matter how much you hate to admit it.  They know you hate to be asked the same question twice, you hate to repeat yourself.  They know how sarcastic and mean you can be.  They know your favorite place to be is sitting in Hampstead Heath Park in London , reading a book.  They know why you have a scar on your right middle finger.  They know your favorite restaurants, the color of your eyes, your spot on the couch.  They know little things, big things, secrets, stories, events, reasons and explanations.  They may not know all of you, but still, they know you.  They know too much to simply move on and explain it all to someone new. 

But, is that reason enough to stick around?  Do you stay because it’s easy?  Some do.  I did for a really long time.  For me it was too hard to explain why I wanted out, why I wanted to leave.  We had built a past, a present, and dreamed of a future, but I didn’t want it anymore.  But I didn’t know how to tell him.  And I thought I’d never find someone who would know and understand me like he did.  So I stayed.  Then I realized I wasn’t just hurting myself but I was hurting him as well.  So I ended it.  At the time I didn’t give an explanation, I just said I couldn’t do it anymore.  It was hard, for both of us.  He didn’t understand and I couldn’t explain it to him.  It took years before we were able to speak to each other and be comfortable in the same room.  It’s been 6 ½ years now and within the last two months we have made a mends and are trying to be friends again.  I’ve missed him.  I’ve missed our conversation, our drives, and I’ve missed his family like crazy.  I’ve missed out on a friendship that could have been, had I just been straightforward and explained that I wasn’t happy.  Instead, I stayed because it was easier.  Since then, I’ve made a pact with myself to never settle because it’s easy.  It might be hard, but it will also be fun to get to know and share with someone new.

“If you hold on to the handle, she said, it’s easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it’s more fun if you just let the wind carry you.”  storypeople.com

I’m a controller.  Not in a sense that I need or try to control everything.  But if it is in direct relation to me specifically, then I feel a need to be in absolute charge over it.  For instance, work.  If there is a job to be done and I am the doer, then you better believe it will be done and under my conditions.  There is a certain way I operate, an order to which I execute.  This applies to cooking, shopping, driving, money and watching movies.  I wish to do these things alone.  However, I concede to this notion when I’m entertaining within a group.  I resign all control to the group.  I’m up for any and all they have to offer.  I effortlessly convert into a follower.  If a crowd of us are going to dinner, I want someone else to decide where we are going and at what time.  Within a group I become easily persuaded, unless, as previously stated, it pertains to work.  This originates from college, primarily lab classes, where you work in a group but receive an individual grade.  This lesson took only once to learn.  I would much rather do all the work, get an A and allow the group to copy, than put my grade into the hands of strangers. 

I’m a controller, yet I believe I’m still easy to get along with.  I enjoy being alone just as much as with a group.  I need to feel like I’m in control at times and out of control and worry free at other times.  I need the balance.  Some things are important; while others I can sit back enjoy the ride and let the wind carry me.

“Your job is to focus on my personal happiness, she said, & I’ve got big plans, so break time is over.”  storypeople.com

I believe this year is going to be my year!