careful confessions
You’re back in town; you haven’t called, and I desperately want you to. Lately, things are different. We’ve drifted and we’ve let things go unsaid. I haven’t seen you in months and we haven’t talked in weeks. I blame myself, but communication works both ways. The last time we talked, we talked about her and the problems the two of you were having. I’ll admit it was uncomfortable and I hated to hear you speak of her in that way. We’ve always confided ever aspect of our lives with each other; the past, present and future. But after that night, it’s difficult when you speak of another, while I’m on the other side wishing it were me. I love that we are intimate when it comes to conversation and we leave no detail uncovered. And most times I enjoy that we’re just fine friends. Maybe that’s all we ever were. Maybe that’s all we will ever be. Maybe that’s all we were meant to be. Our closeness seems to have broken so easily and all the while I thought it was strong. I’m not sure what to make of things just now, though I’ve had ample time to sort through my thoughts. We’re thousands of miles apart, yet I find myself thinking and longing for you more. And you’re there, miles away, spending your time with her, and it tears me apart. Deep down, somewhere, I knew it would happen. I should have prepared myself for the hurt. I thought it would be easier once you left. I thought my feelings would fade and I would forget I ever liked you in this fashion. Now, I think I will always feel this way and I pray at night for it to change. I pray for things to go back as they once were and sometimes I pray that you think of me and not her. When I dream, it’s you I dream of, and at times these dreams are hell. But there you are, day after day, on my mind. There are days I think I’ve moved on, and I’ve let everything but our friendship go. But at night, when I’m alone I begin to think about you. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to tell you how I feel. And there are so many times when I should have spoke up, admitted I felt something more. But I was so afraid you wouldn’t feel the same and I couldn’t bare the dismissal, so I remained silent. I would rather have our friendship, than to have nothing at all. We know so much about each other and at times I forget just how much we know. I know your secrets and you know mine, and I know that mine are safe with you. Our long talks and our long walks are some of the best I’ve had. I want us to always have this connection. If that means I have to be still, and hold my tongue, then I will. I want you any way I can, which is why I’m willing to let you go. I beg, no matter how far apart, however many miles are between us, or whoever comes and goes from our lives, that our devotion and our adoration for each other will never change. I hope we will always hold our friendship superior, high above our desire for something more. I need you in my life, whatever shape or form. I don’t mind being alone, just as long you’re not too far away. And if by chance we are to be together, I pray we find each other, at the right time and the precise place, and we recognize it as it should be. But for now, you’re back in town; you haven’t called, and I desperately want you to.
