who am I fooling?
“I say me, knowing all the while it's not me.” ~Samuel Beckett, The Unnamable, 1953
On first impression, most perceive me to be quiet, extremely introverted, and an emotionless individual. And for the majority of those, that’s the only face they will see. I will either never become comfortable enough or feel safe enough to reveal my other portion. Though, once I become relaxed and at ease, I will start to come out of my shell, revealing more. I will begin to participate in conversation, allowing myself to laugh and smile. But even then, I won’t let my guard fully down. I convince myself that I cannot trust you knowing all of me. Either you won’t understand, appreciate, or approve. I fear if you don’t like part of me, then you won’t like me, and that’s not a risk I’m willing to take. I will only show you what I want you to see, or rather, what I think you want to see. At times this proves to be demanding and challenging. There have been occasions where I’ve failed completely, being too drained from the charade that I surrender and fall apart. I don’t like being exposed like that, feeling weak and powerless. That’s why many have never seen me cry. I won’t give in to it.
I’m not sure if there is anyone who knows me completely, who has seen every side and face. There are a few, select, that have seen most of me. I can count them on one hand. I’m able to calm down and not worry what they think of me, because they accept all of me. These are the ones who when I laugh, they laugh, when I cry, they cry, when I fight, they fight back. They don’t care that I’m flawed. They see and understand and acknowledge all my masks, and for that I’m able to be me.
Lately I’ve doubted myself. I doubt the person I am and the person others perceive me to be. I worry that no one knows the real me, that I’ve spent so much time and energy convincing everyone of this lie, one that I tell so well, that at times I’ve even fooled myself. We all go through life wearing masks. We allow ourselves to be and act a certain way while in certain company. Some see our professional side, where we do our job and we do it well. Some see our fun, wild side, where we let go and don’t care. While others see our angry, destructive side, where we get mad and scream. Then there are those who get to see our vulnerable side, where we are weak and helpless. We don’t always consent to all our sides, we limit what people see.
On first impression, most perceive me to be quiet, extremely introverted, and an emotionless individual. And for the majority of those, that’s the only face they will see. I will either never become comfortable enough or feel safe enough to reveal my other portion. Though, once I become relaxed and at ease, I will start to come out of my shell, revealing more. I will begin to participate in conversation, allowing myself to laugh and smile. But even then, I won’t let my guard fully down. I convince myself that I cannot trust you knowing all of me. Either you won’t understand, appreciate, or approve. I fear if you don’t like part of me, then you won’t like me, and that’s not a risk I’m willing to take. I will only show you what I want you to see, or rather, what I think you want to see. At times this proves to be demanding and challenging. There have been occasions where I’ve failed completely, being too drained from the charade that I surrender and fall apart. I don’t like being exposed like that, feeling weak and powerless. That’s why many have never seen me cry. I won’t give in to it.
I’m not sure if there is anyone who knows me completely, who has seen every side and face. There are a few, select, that have seen most of me. I can count them on one hand. I’m able to calm down and not worry what they think of me, because they accept all of me. These are the ones who when I laugh, they laugh, when I cry, they cry, when I fight, they fight back. They don’t care that I’m flawed. They see and understand and acknowledge all my masks, and for that I’m able to be me.
