Foolish Thoughts

....Batman and Robin are here! 

We’ve been friends a little over a year.  Not great friends, not good friends, not even talk on the phone friends, but friends just the same.  Sometimes we hangout with the same people, we do the same things.  We’ve talked, we’ve laughed, we’ve shared drinks, and now we’ve shared a touch, a moment.

It was a small intimate gathering, only eight of us.  We spent the majority of the night talking, laughing, telling stories, and pointing out those we don’t much care for, along with those that we do.  (Trust me; we are not as shallow as you might think).  As the night progressed we divided and made our way to separate parts of the house.  Some were on the deck, one opted for bed, and a few took up camp on the couch.    I, being tired, decided to partake in the couch conversation.  It was your everyday, late night, drunken male discussion, plus me.  And it also being three in the morning, I zoned out and lost complete interest.  Until, I felt the touch of his hand. 

I was alone on the love seat.  My back was up against the far armrest so I could look at all three gentlemen at the same time.  I wanted to make sure I was able to make eye contact when talking to each individual.  I was sitting on my left leg, while my right was pulled close against my chest.  I had my right arm flung and hanging over the back of the couch.  No one but he, was insight of my hand.  He was seated on a bar stool and was positioned in close proximity of the loveseat I was occupying.  We were all chit-chatting, enjoying the conversation.  Up to this point there had been no eye glancing, no flirting, no sexual innuendos, not a touch, not a graze, nothing.  So, when our hands slightly touched, I thought nothing of it.  I thought it was an accidental tap.  Those things happen.  They happen all the time.  But then it happened again, and again.  Then, with a slight move of the wrist, our hands were locked together.  Not once, during this whole encounter did we make eye contact.  I was in shock that it was even happening.  I was also enjoying every minute of it.  It was exciting.  It was our own little inside conversation, a secret that only the two of us shared.  It was fun and I wasn’t expecting it.  It was nothing more than a touch, an acknowledgment, but it was nice.  I didn’t want it to end.  But when it did, it wasn’t awkward.   We hugged, smiled, and said good night.   

In a year and a half, my mind never went there.  I never saw him as a possibility, only a nice guy who I sometimes hung out with, until now.  Now, I’m intrigued, I’m curious.  I want to know more.  I’m not sure if it’s the new attraction I have for him, or if it’s shear curiosity.  I want to get to know him.  And if there happens to be another accidental touch or maybe something more, then so be it.  It’s a chance I’m more than happy to take.

I can’t sleep.  I’ve tried.  I’ve even resorted to counting sheep and well, that became too stimulating after about the ninth sheep.  I began to picture the sheep, not white and fluffy, but with color and at times with clothing.  There was a gangsta rapper with a gold chain and a grill that said, "BAAA" along with a female sheep wearing Jimmy Choo's "Heart Leather" peep toe with it's matching button accessory (which I would give my first born for) and a green with muti-color circle design Hermes scarf around her head (which I almost want more than life itself).  I stopped when I became jealous of the sheep and their particular designer clothing.

I’ve tried a warm cup of hot chocolate, but it didn't help.  It only made me want another cup, this time with marshmallows.  I would go for the glass of warm milk, but I hate milk and I’m a little lactose intolerant, and that would cause a whole set of problems besides sleep.

I’ve tried listening to my “sleep” playlist on my ipod.  I turned it down low and soft, but the only thing I have on my “sleep" playlist is Damien Rice, Ryan Adams, Ray LaMontagne, Peter Gabriel, Rhett Miller, Bright Eyes, and Schuyler Fisk.  All are amazing and have voices that make me melt like a popsicle on the Fourth of July, but they are all filled with lonely, depressing, heart wrenching, love lyrics.  After about the second song I was almost in tears with the realization that not only am I awake, in bed, in the middle of the night, but I’m awake, in bed, in the middle of the night ALONE!  It’s a very sad and depressing realization.  Not one that I like to think about often.  Though, at night, lying in bed is when I think of it most.  I keep myself busy and preoccupied during the day, that I really don’t think about it, or at least I push it to the side and to the back of my mind like I do everything else I don’t want to deal with.  I find it’s easier to block, to worry about another time.  I keep telling myself that I like being single, that being alone is what I want.  I don’t want the responsibility of someone else.  I like taking care of me.  I like knowing I can do what I want, when I want, and with whom I want.  I’m only 25, there’s still so much I want to do before I even begin to think of settling down with someone.  It’s selfish and self absorbed, but it’s the way I feel.  I think.  Until at night, like now, or when I see a couple walking down the street, in the park, at the movies, holding hands and then I want it…I want someone.    I want the companionship, the friendship, the handholding, the kissing, the looking, the lying next to each other, the conversation, and the safeness.  But I don’t want to look for it.  I don’t want to date.  I hate dating.  I hate the whole idea of dating and everything that goes with it.  I hate the awkwardness, the time, the pain, the planning, and the effort of it all.  Dating to me is a waste of time and energy.  I want the fairy tale.  I want a guy to come and sweep me off my feet.  I want the love at first sight type of thing, though I don’t believe in it.  I want to feel instantly comfortable.  I don’t want the guessing and doubt.  Actually, I don’t know if that’s what I want.  I don’t have any freaking clue what I want.

What I want right now is sleep.  I want to turn the computer off, the lamp off, get under the covers and snuggle in, close my eyes, and fall asleep.  That’s all I want, at lest for now.