babies and being single
My diary entry from yesterday:
12/8/06
Maybe, just maybe my biological clock is ticking faster than what it should. Am I finally at the point in my life where I’m seriously considering children and how they will fit into my life? I say, “Maybe” because in my “plan”, the one that I’ve fine tuned and tweaked so many times, the one that does not include babies right now. In my “plan” I would like to be married at least a year before I start trying for babies. However, I’m as single as single can get, no sign of marriage in my future and I’m actually ok with that, actually, I like being single. I like doing what I want, when I want. I like not having to plan around someone else’s plans. I like being able to watch whatever I want to watch on TV. I like to be able to sleep in the center of the bed, with all the covers and pillows to myself. And what I like most is that I don’t have to worry about anyone but myself.
On the flip side, it can be lonely being alone. This loneliness really sinks in when I’m lying in bed late at night. Right before I fall asleep is when it is the loneliest. During the day I’m too busy and preoccupied too worry about being alone for the rest of my life. But at night, it becomes very real and this is when I start to feel really sorry for myself, and wonder will I make it all alone. Will I be Beth Goodman ten years from now? I blame her and Oprah for reminding me that I’m alone and wondering if now is the best time to be thinking of babies.
However, I believe what has also played a part in my loneliness thinking is that everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE I look there are babies. Most of my friends either have children or are pregnant. It seems everywhere I go there are bellies and babies. I feel I’m missing out on something, like I didn’t make the Mother Team. I WANT TO BE ON THE TEAM, the VARSITY TEAM. I’m too busy worrying about school, finding the best job, and finding myself that I’ve become this single, lonely prude.
It’s not that I’m not ready for the responsibility; I know how hard it is to care for children. I took care of three amazing kids for eight summers. These kids were mine for ten hours a day. I know how hard and frustrating it can be, but I also know how much fun and happy I was when I was with them. Being two hours away from them kills me, I miss them like crazy. Phone calls and letters just make me miss them more. However, never while caring for them did I long for children of my own. But now, when I hold Lili in my arms, deep down I secretly long for my own. I never imagined I could love someone so much, but I do. Even when she is throwing a fit and crying she still brings me so much joy. Just seeing her face or hearing her laugh over the phone she brightens up my day. I worry that my best baby making years are slipping through my hands. What if I wait my whole life for the right guy to come along and he never does? I want kids, but I don’t want to wait forever. I don’t want to be forty and just starting a family. I know it would be hard, but I believe I could be a single mom if I had to. I could be Beth Goodman, maybe not with quadruplets, but I know I could handle being a single mother. After watching her on Oprah today she has given me hope that I could do it alone. I think she is amazing and a wonderful mother. Her children are so lucky to have such a strong amazing mother.
I know I’m just feeling lonely and sorry for myself. It doesn’t help to see bellies and babies everywhere either. I am happy and content being a segregate aunt to Lili. I love her more than life itself. I know I’m not ready for babies of my own right now, I know that. I worry that I will never be ready or in the right place. I worry I’m going to wait around too long, looking for the right guy, the right time, the right job, the right home and miss my opportunity. How much of this is in my control?
To learn more about Beth Goodman and her sweet, sweet babies go here.
