i don’t know…i’m sorry
“I love you.” Followed by the longest, heart-wrenching, pin-dropping pause ever.
“I know you do.”
“I really do love you, really.”
“Really, I know”, aggravated that he was taking the conversation there…again.
“Then why can’t you say it back to me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Brooke, please.”
“I’m sorry.”
I hated apologizing, especially when I wasn’t sure what I was apologizing for. I wasn’t sorry that I didn’t say “I love you.” I knew I wasn’t in-love with him. I was sorry that I didn’t know why and all I could say was, “I don’t know.” “I don’t know” and “I’m sorry” became my crutches, my dependencies, my excuses, and a way to escape everything. It was so much easier to say “I don’t know”, then to think of an honest excuse or the real reason for avoiding the question or argument. I hate that even today I still rely on these phrases when I don’t want to deal with a situation.
I couldn’t say “I love you” because I didn’t, period. Those three words literally would not pass over my lips. Trust me I tried, but something would stop me each time. I knew if I said it, I would be lying, so instead I lead him on. I was too scared to tell him the truth, too afraid of hurting him, afraid of what he might say, or do. We dated for almost two years and I gave-in and said it, out of obligation or force, I’m not sure. He desperately wanted me to love him or at least say it, that eventually I said it just to shut him up. I felt sorry for him, he did love me, and that gave me power, and I liked it. I feel a little guilty saying that now, but it was true. I was a power whore and I was queen of my castle. He would do anything for me, and still would today if I asked…I know, I’m horrible.
Today, I am still the same way when expressing and verbally telling people that I love them. I have to really love you to say it, especially to your face. I don’t feel it’s a phrase that should be casually thrown around and uttered so carelessly like, “Call me.” I reserve those precious three words for those who are precious to me. If I say it to you, then I truly mean it and always will. I can count the people I love on my two hands, and I like that. I tend to keep people at a distance, only allowing a special few into my personal life, and these people I know, will always remain close to me. I don’t know why I’m this way, and I’m sorry if I ever hurt you.
“Don’t say you’re sorry. Tell me why you can’t say it.”
“I don’t know why.”
“STOP.”
“I’m sorry.”
Hi Brooke…
I’m still getting caught up on your posts!
It certainly can be hard to say those three words…. which hold so much power and meaning. I too, reserve them for people I truly mean it with. When I do feel it, and I do mean it, I’m all about showing that, saying it, reminding people of it. But getting there takes time.
Sounds to me like you did the right thing by holding off on saying it. What ever happened with the two of you? If you don’t mind my asking?
I too, use the “I’m sorry” and “I don’t knows” when I just would rather avoid the conversation.
brookem.
No, I don’t mind. Hell, if I wasn’t able to talk about it, then I shouldn’t have wrote and posted about it. Let’s see…When we ended things, and when I say “we” I mean “I”, we hated each other. We could not stand to be in the same room, building, street, even town. For years we didn’t speak, then last December we both attended a mutual friends Christmas party. It was awkward at first, but I ended up spending the night at his house…but that’s a blog for another time. Now, we don’t talk much, but when we do it’s nice and pleasant, but still a little strange. Oh, p.s. the girl he is seeing now, has the same birthday as me…am I the only one that finds that strange…probably?
I’d find it weird/coincedental too… I’d probably end up overanalyzing it. But that’s just how I am. At least I know this!
At least the two of you are able to be cordial now and things are OKAY. It certainly can be tough to be friends with exes. Obviously it takes some time… but I think it also depends on the nature of the relationship and how/why things ended. So many factors play in. blah.