Foolish Thoughts

On a side note, I’m sitting at the library working on my lesson that I will teach tomorrow.  I have no idea what I’m going to teach but it has to be the BEST LESSON EVER.  My supervisor will be there observing…I’m scared to death.  I hate having someone watch me, it makes me so nervous.  To top it off, tomorrow is “Bring your Parents to School Day.”  Since when did you get to bring your parents to school with you?  I thought it was “Bring your Daughter to Work Day.”  I’m not sure if I would have wanted my parents to come to school with me and I know my parents would not have been up for it.  Anyway, I will have a bunch of parents watching me as well, just waiting to find something to complain about.  But the reason I’m sad is that tonight is our (my room mates and I) Halloween Party.  I’m at the library while everyone else is at MY party…it’s not fair.  If I hurry there’s a chance I may be able to indulge in some of the nights festivities, though not too much, seeing as I have to be at my clinical at nine, ready to give the BEST LESSON EVER.  I am so tired, angry, and jealous right now I want to cry, but I’m bigger than that.  Aw, who cares?  It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want too.   Oh, and I just remembered…I’m gonna miss the season finale of WEEDS.  I guess I will have to catch one of the many airings later this week, thank goodness for Showtime and repeating everything throughout the week.

September 18, 2006 

It was 10:30pm and I was nodding off while reading David Sedaris’s Dress your family in corduroy and denim…what was wrong with me?  I should have never been too tired to read anything by David Sedaris…he’s one of the funniest and one of my favorite writers.  Why was I so tired? I DON’T KNOW!  It could have been from the sleep deprived weekend I had with my friend Jaymez, maybe I finally calmed down from all the excitement of having dinner with my sister,
Tara, or it could have been the fact that I was into my second day of my period, which always leaves me drained.  All three events could have worn me completely out all on their own, so it could have been one of the three or it could have been a mixture that caused me to fall asleep while reading…I’m guessing it was the latter.

My weekend with Jaymez was, well in one word, great.  We had so much fun, well I know I did.  I cannot speak for him, well yes I can, he had fun too…he told me.  Jaymez is one of the few close people I have in my life.  He makes everything funnier, more exciting, more adventurous, and just more fun. We went shopping, where I spent way too much money, ate delicious food at Max & Erma’s and made notes of “what not to wear” thanks to the MANY fellow dining customers, and then caught the 7:20 movie to see “The last kiss“…which you should all go and see (it’s one of those movies that you leave and you can’t stop talking about it.)  Jaymez and I had a 2 hour discussion on the themes and topics from the film. On a side note, the soundtrack is unbelievable.  Rachael Yamagata’s Reason why and Amos Lee’s Arms of a woman knocked me off my feet.  Then we spent Saturday night watching the first 24 episodes of Punky Brewster on DVD, basically we spent the entire weekend laughing.

Sunday evening I had a date! That’s right a date!  Not just any ol’ date either, but a date with Tara, my younger sister.  Just like every other date I’ve gone on, this one was no different. I was excited and I was running late…as usual.  Tara called:

I’m on my way, are you ready?”
“No, I still have to jump in the shower. I’ll be quick, in and out, I promise.”
“Brooke, you have never taken a “quick” shower in your life, you don’t know how.  You are physically incapable of it.  Puh leeze hurry, I’m starving.  I think my insides have begun to eat the walls of my stomach…seriously!  You think I’m kidding, but I’m not.”
“Ok, give me 30 minutes.”
“You’ve got 15.”

Jump to 45 minutes later, I’m dressed and walking out the door.  However, I’m not wearing what I initially wanted to wear and my hair is far from being dry.  Our dining destination had previously been decided, Olive Garden.  I had been craving their breadsticks for weeks.  I could taste the warm butter and garlic in my mouth.  It really helps to go out with Tara, she knows everyone.  We walk in and immediately we are greeted with a thousand, “Tara, hey! Murphy, what’s going on?, and Tara, how’s it going?”.  There was no putting our name in, no waiting 15 to 30 minutes.  We are taken straight to our table and drink orders were taken before we even sat down.  Talk about good service.  For an appetizer Tara had calamari, I hate sea food, therefore I inhaled three breadsticks.  We both ordered the never ending pasta bowl, which we ordered the same 5 cheese marinara for our first bowl and the same alfredo for our second.  Yes, we each had two bowls…it was the never ending pasta bowl, you couldn’t get just one.  Dinner was great.  Though, all the food and talk wore me out.  We both needed some one-on-one time with each other.  We rarely find time to hang out just the two of us.I got my period Saturday morning, so by Sunday night I was completely wiped out…enough said.So now, it’s Monday night, 9:23 p.m. I’ve worked on a few assignments and did a little writing. I will be glued to the T.V. in thirty minutes watching Weeds…I’m so freaking excited!  Then later tonight I will continue reading Mr. Serdaris’s book…without falling asleep.      

I cancelled my trip for
London today.  It made me physically ill.  Seriously, I have a trash can sitting beside me right now as I write this.  London was my last chance to see Idina Menzel in Wicked (I’ve seen Wicked several times, but never with Idina and she’s my favorite).  I purchased two non-refundable, will-call tickets for the show back in July.  Will–call meaning, I have to pick them up in person thirty minutes prior to show time.  I can’t even sell them on e-bay.  The tickets were three-hundred dollars…wait, hold on, where’s the trash can?  I purchased and booked this trip under the assumption that my “friend” was going with me, I know, how stupid of me.  He reassured me that he was most definitely going, that he couldn’t wait, and was excited that we would be spending a week together.  Well, this had me all excited; He has never been to London, so I was thrilled to be the one to show him around.  There were so many places I wanted to take him; I had already mapped out three whole days of the trip:  Go to the Victoria and Albert Museum, shop at Harrods, Trafalgar Square, Borough Market, Portobello Road, Piccadilly Circus, go to the British Library (where we could see Shakespeare’s original folios), have a picnic in Kensington Gardens, St. Paul’s Cathedral, and Leicester Square.  And this was just the first three days; this didn’t even include the BIG tourist sites; Big Ben, London Bridge, Westminster Abbey, and the House of Parliament.

Then, a few weeks ago he informs me that he has exams the week of Thanksgiving and cannot re-schedule them.  Apparently med-school does not observe the Thanksgiving Holiday…basically, med-school SUCKS.  Fine, I really wanted him to go, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from seeing Idina Menzel, HELL NO.  She is the only reason I planned the trip in the first place. So, I decided to ask someone else, it’s Thanksgiving week, everyone’s off…right?  No, that’s just it, THANKSGIVING WEEK, everyone has plans for Thanksgiving.  But who wouldn’t give up family, even on Thanksgiving for a chance to see Idina?  Could I be the only one? Come on people, its Idina Menzel, in London, an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity…ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME.  No takers?  Fine, no big deal, I’ll just go by myself.

I was ok with this decision for a while.  Then, it started to become real.  I was going to be spending a week, alone, in London…WHO DOES THAT?  Granted, I know I would be safe and I’m sure I would have a good time, I love London…but not alone.  I wanted to be in London with someone, exploring, shopping, and eating.  I wanted to have tea at Harrods and shop at the street vendors on Portobello Road Saturday morning.  I wanted to do these things and I wanted someone to do them with.  Could it be that my only options were; go alone, or not go at all?  Yep, that’s what it boils down to.  I guess I will have to catch Idina the next time she’s performing in NYC, but who knows when that will be. 

Luckily I was able to cancel the room and flight, but I’m still left with the three-hundred dollar tickets for the show.  What hurts most is that come November 23, I will be sitting at my aunt’s house eating Thanksgiving turkey (which I HATE) knowing that at the Apollo Victoria Theatre seats M 26 and 27 in the orchestra will be empty.  p.s. those are FREAKING AMAZING seats just so you know.  Have I made the right choice, probably not.  Will I regret it, probably.  I can just add it to my ever growing list of regrets.   Though, I feel sorry for my family, who has to be around my depressed butt all day.  I’ve already called and warned my mother, “I’m telling you now, do not expect me to be in some happy, thankful, family loving mood on Thanksgiving.  It’s not going to happen.  You better make the BEST apple and pumpkin pies EVER or live with knowing that the one thing that will make me semi-happy on Thanksgiving, you ruined.  You don’t want that hanging over your head now, do you?” 

“What are the things in life that really matter?”  I asked myself this question while driving this morning.  I find that my thinking process is more philosophical and epiphany like while driving, so much that I’ve started to keep a notebook in the car.  Some of my best thoughts and ideas have come to me while driving.  I always tell myself, “You have got to remember that”, and I never do…But today was different.

Today, like any other day, I was running late.  I have to leave the house no later than 8:45 AM to make it to my clinical by 9:00, leaving me a five minute window for traffic and parking.  This morning, my alarm loudly and promptly in its annoying alarm voice woke me up at 7:00 AM.  Mad at my alarm and the light coming in from the window, I roll over and hit snooze, at least that’s what I thought I hit.  However, in my sleepy, angry, confused state I hit the “off” button.  I roll back over, and pass out.  I’m not sure what woke me up, but something made me look at the clock…8:39…WHAT THE CRAP?  I immediately go into PANIC MODE.  Covers and pillows are flying everywhere, the closet explodes shooting debris everywhere, I had to pull an Inspector Gadget to brush my teeth,  brush my hair, and wrangle my notebook, keys, and name badge, talk about “Go, go gadget arms and legs.”  I was dressed, out the door, and in the car by 8:50.  Then, something happened; calm flooded over me and suddenly I didn’t care anymore.  “So what if I’m late, so what if my clothes don’t match, so what if I didn’t shower or put deodorant on, so what if I don’t have a lesson prepared (this one actually mattered), so what if I never become a teacher, so what if I never do anything with my degrees, so what if I never do anything…SO WHAT?”

So what does really matter?  That I graduate, whether I do anything with my degree or not.  Figure out, at some point, what I do want to do and then do it.  Live, laugh, and love more.  Not care what people think.  Give more.  Take more.  Ask for help, when I need it.  Not to be afraid to love and be loved.  Let people in.  Never give up or stop trying.  That it’s ok to get angry.  It’s ok to cry.  It’s ok to fall and falter, just make sure I pick myself back up.  To write, write, write, and then write more.  See the good in people.  Breathe.  Keep promises.  Listen.  Give others a chance.  Forgive, forget, and move on.  Eat healthy and exercise.  Be a little selfish.  Set goals and achieve them.  Wish for what I want.  Keep my head up, chin up, and my attitude high.  Never forget, I’m not alone.  To me, these are things that matter.  I’ve not mastered or applied all of them yet, but eventually, some day I will know and understand what REALLY matters in life.

Molly: U R a butthead.
Brooke:  I haven’t heard “butthead” since the 5th grade.
Molly:  Bring it!
Brooke:  Fine. You have cooties.
Molly:  Ah! You smell like toots.
Brooke:  Well, you are not my best friend anymore.  You can’t play w/me @ recess & you can’t sit w/ me
              @ lunch.  Beat that!
Molly:  *sobs*
Brooke: And, you still wet the bed.
Molly:  Ouch!
Brooke:  Game. Set. Match.
Molly:  Dinner, then it’s on!

I met Molly two summers ago at a theatre we both worked at, she being a star, and me, well, not.  If you could take the energy of a four year old, the cleaverness, wit, and sarcasm of Wanda Sykes, and the voice of Mariah Carey, you would have Molly.  She is the girl, who after consuming MANY Long Island’s one night proceeded to run the three blocks home, head down, arms pumping back and forth, repeating at the top of her lungs, “The B-I-B-L-E, yes that’s the book for me”, while the rest of us stood there in complete awe of what we were witnessing.  Molly tends to leave those around her astounded, amazed, and at times exhausted, but in a good way.  She’s not the friend you sit at home watching movies with.  With Molly, you know there will be intense shopping, good food, wine, and a string of unbelievable events…every time.  Case in point: last Halloween, (The best Halloween to date) we fell victim to debauchery, and a series of stolen items: video camera, t-shirt, mouse ears, and our dignity.  First of all, who steals mouse ears, seriously? Looking back, we have no one to blame but ourselves, we allowed things to get slightly out of hand that evening.  To this day I will never trust a guy from
Indiana State.

I wish everyone had a friend like Molly, even if it was just for a day.  Being around her brings a smile to your face that you can’t wipe off.  People gravitate towards her, her presence is mind-blowing.  I guess that’s why she’s a star and the rest of us, her audience.  

Molly: Wrong cord again!  I can’t get my video 2 my comp!
Brooke:  Where did you find a cord in that imaginary town of yours anyway?
Molly:  Had to borrow it.  Well 2 cords.  They both don’t word, WTF?
Molly:  Have to get my pap smeared on Friday.  Will look 4 the cord then.
Brooke:  WHAT? Is your town so small that you are able to get a pap & comp cord @ the same place?
             the guy helping you find the right cord will also be the guy fingering your vagina?  What kind of
             town do you live in?
Molly:  LOL! NO!
       

“I love you.”  Followed by the longest, heart-wrenching, pin-dropping pause ever.
“I know you do.”
“I really do love you, really.”
“Really, I know”, aggravated that he was taking the conversation there…again.
“Then why can’t you say it back to me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Brooke, please.”
“I’m sorry.”

I hated apologizing, especially when I wasn’t sure what I was apologizing for.  I wasn’t sorry that I didn’t say “I love you.” I knew I wasn’t in-love with him.  I was sorry that I didn’t know why and all I could say was, “I don’t know.”  “I don’t know” and “I’m sorry” became my crutches, my dependencies, my excuses, and a way to escape everything. It was so much easier to say “I don’t know”, then to think of an honest excuse or the real reason for avoiding the question or argument.  I hate that even today I still rely on these phrases when I don’t want to deal with a situation. 

I couldn’t say “I love you” because I didn’t, period.  Those three words literally would not pass over my lips.  Trust me I tried, but something would stop me each time.  I knew if I said it, I would be lying, so instead I lead him on. I was too scared to tell him the truth, too afraid of hurting him, afraid of what he might say, or do.  We dated for almost two years and I gave-in and said it, out of obligation or force, I’m not sure.  He desperately wanted me to love him or at least say it, that eventually I said it just to shut him up.  I felt sorry for him, he did love me, and that gave me power, and I liked it.  I feel a little guilty saying that now, but it was true.  I was a power whore and I was queen of my castle.  He would do anything for me, and still would today if I asked…I know, I’m horrible.

Today, I am still the same way when expressing and verbally telling people that I love them.  I have to really love you to say it, especially to your face.  I don’t feel it’s a phrase that should be casually thrown around and uttered so carelessly like, “Call me.”  I reserve those precious three words for those who are precious to me.  If I say it to you, then I truly mean it and always will.  I can count the people I love on my two hands, and I like that.  I tend to keep people at a distance, only allowing a special few into my personal life, and these people I know, will always remain close to me.  I don’t know why I’m this way, and I’m sorry if I ever hurt you.  

“Don’t say you’re sorry.  Tell me why you can’t say it.”
“I don’t know why.”
“STOP.”
“I’m sorry.” 

Wednesday is the day, new phone day that is.  I will finally be able to screen my incoming calls, view my date book, view my menu, view all my contacts, and most of all, text (my life has not been complete without it).  However, I am having a hard time deciding on which phone to purchase.  I have narrowed it down to either the RIM Blackberry 7130c or Palm Treo 700.  I am having a really difficult time making a decision, but if you know me, then that’s not a big surprise, now is it?  So, I’m up for any and all suggestions. 

When I’m bored or just have nothing else to do, I sit and write down as many song lyrics as possible.  I don’t write the entire song, just a line or two, convincing myself that I indeed know every word.  In some cases, I have been known to screw-up the words or make-up my own. Tara and I like to randomly recite a line from a song, and then have the other person say the next line.  We also do this with movie quotes as well…we are easily entertained.  Today I found myself bored out of my mind.  I was trapped in a never ending hour and fifteen minutes of assessing instruction, I almost stabbed my pen through my eye.  Instead I opened my notebook and began to write any and every song lyric I could think of.  Here’s what I came up with:

Someday some morning sometime, sometime.  I’d like to hold your hand in mine, someday some morning sometime…
Wilco “Someday Some Morning Sometime”

You’d be surprised my life is often sweet.  You’d be surprised it’s you who brings me peace.  And for some unearthly reason it takes losing you to see, if you were here, I’d know just what you’d need…
Idina Menzel “You’d be Surprised”

So why do you fill my sorrow, with the words you’ve borrowed, from the only place you’ve known?  And why do you sing Hallelujah, if it means nothing to ya?
Why do you sing with me at all…
Damien Rice “Delicate”

Then I became fixated with Rachael Yamagata, probably because she and Amos Lee are all I’ve listened to lately.

I used to think that anything I’d do wouldn’t matter at all anyway, but now I find when it comes to you, I’m the winner of cards I can’t play…
Rachael Yamagata “I’ll Find a Way”

You simplified me down to slogans on the wall. I took offense, but you were right about them all…
Rachael Yamagata “I Want You”

And you can tell the world what you want them to hear.  I’ve got nothing left to lose, my dear.  So, I’m up for the little white lies, but you and I know the reason why…
Rachael Yamagata “Reason Why”

 My soul is as open as the sky, often times it’s just as blue.  People tell me to keep on dreaming, that’s just what I’m gonna do…
Amos Lee “Dreamin”  Early one morning while making the rounds, I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down.  I went right home and I went to bed, I stuck that lovin 44 beneath my head. (This song always makes me smile.)Johnny Cash “Cocaine Blues”

This old world, well, it was mine to take.  Faith can keep you warm, but I’ll teach you how to shake…
Ryan Adams “Gonna Make You Love Me”

Then I moved onto Wicked…I know every line to every song.

Hands touch, eyes meet, sudden silence, sudden heat. Hearts leap in a giddy whirl, He could be that boy, but I’m not that girl…
Wicked “I’m Not That Girl”

Kiss me too fiercely, hold me too tight. I need help believing, you’re with me tonight. My wildest dreams could not foresee, lying beside you with you wanting me…
Wicked “As Long as You’re Mine”

Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game…
Wicked “Defying Gravity”

I had a premonition, a movie in my mind, confirming my suspicions of what I would find…
Travis “Humpty Dumpty Love Song”

Weight on my shoulders, but I’m walking so tall.
David Gray “New Horizons”

Then, just as I noticed I only had two minutes left, Rhett Miller’s voice spoke to me.

Is that all, yes it is. Put his stuff in a box and put him out of her memory. Now he’s gone and away but he will never be out of her misery…
Rhett Miller “Things that Disappear”

Apparently not only was I bored, but I must have been in some sort of broken hearted mood as well.  I’m optimistic for tomorrow… it will be better, right?